The Weekend of Valleys

My weekend was a little bit crazy. I went through a lot of emotions for some reason. I have been doing really well, not having many valleys, but this weekend was a 'doozie' (for lack of a better term).

It was President's Weekend and I worked five days last week (Whew! I forgot how tiring that was! I don't know how all you people out there do it!). So, I think I was super tired from that anyway, which added to my 'valley.' But on top of that I was overly irritated with things that wouldn't normally bother me enough to effect me on such a serious level (but I suppose I should be expecting more and more of that as time goes on, huh?). 

Facebook is probably the number one offender, I'm contemplating getting rid of the stupid thing all together. But then again, I think, how would I snoop on everyone? (Aww!! Come on!! Don't act like you don't do it too when you're sitting around bored and there's nothing on TV!) :) I kept seeing all throughout Facebook young mothers whining and complaining about their pregnancies & newborns. I'm sorry, I can't handle it. There is NOTHING I wouldn't do to have a beautiful little carbon copy of my Colt, a healthy, happy, crying, throwing up everywhere, lovely, wonderful baby. But when people start whining about their stupid sciatic nerve, or heartburn, or being annoyed by the KICKS IN THEIR RIBS??!! (seriously, come on).... I just internally scream. And... even MORE annoying, people that complain about their baby not sleeping, or eating too often, or WHATEVER... PLEASE!!!!! Realize... Your... Blessings!!!! (I'm going to get off this soapbox soon, I promise) But there are so many of us out there that are going to lose a baby, have lost a baby, or has a very sick baby that they may lose, or are going to lose, that would LOVE... Possibly even KILL, to have your problems. So there came a point in time when I just couldn't handle it anymore and I couldn't stay silent... so, like we all do, I posted on Facebook (sorry). It may have been a little insensitive, rude, and maybe even mean, but at that point I didn't care. And I'm still not sure that I do because I think it's a valid argument from my perspective. God gave you that perfect, not sleeping, spitting up and staining your carpet, eating too often baby for a reason and I want you to be thankful for that.

Okay... I'm getting down off my soapbox now, hopefully that's all out of my system and I remember that they are tired mommy's that are just plain exhausted (I know how that feels too) and they are using Facebook to air their frustrations rather than taking it out on their babies, just like I'm sure I did. I'm going to try to not let that bother me as much in the future. (Going to try... No promises)

Then came the weekend, Friday was busy with a 31 party, then Saturday I ran some errands for Jarrod & spent the rest of the day at my mom's, then came Sunday. Now, my husband usually doesn't have to work Sundays, but this was one of those that he did. So, like I always do when he has to work, Colt & I went on to church. I was so thankful that Kathy Rankin sat with me in church that morning (although I had Colt with me in the service at the time, so, I kinda tricked her without her knowing it ;) LOVE YOU KATHY!!).  A beautiful song was sung as special music that hit me so hard, and I totally wasn't expecting it. She sang about (paraphrased of course) "your deepest valleys and your darkest darks and your saddest sorrows aren't bigger than the Grace of Jesus." It was a beautiful song, but I will admit, while she was singing (in the midst of my crying... like, the ugly cry where your forehead is all wrinkled and your lips are all quivering, you know,  yeah....) I am guilty of thinking, although I truly know it's untrue and illogical, "God, this is a pretty deep valley, it's a pretty dark dark, how could ANYONE get through this, or deal with this, because as you can see God, I'm struggling right now." I knew those feelings were silly and totally wrong, but I couldn't help but think about them for a second. Then I started to think about Colt for some reason. (This is all during the song mind you) I started to think about him cutting these teeth and how I would never have that with this baby, or see him/her roll over, or walk, or babble, or tug at my hair like Colt does when he's sleepy. I don't know, my mind just started flooding with all these thoughts, and that just plunged me farther and farther into my saddness. Thank God for Kathy. At this point, I am a crying mess and about half way through the song she puts her hand on my shoulder. Just what I needed!! I needed to know that someone was there. She knew I was hurting and she knew I needed her and she was there for me in the most perfect way she could, just by a hand on my shoulder. I was so so thankful for that! Then, our dear Susan Haslam handed me some tissues and, thankfully, the music was over. I loved the song, but was glad it came to an end so that I could maybe try to get a hold on myself. Well, that never happened. I was a mess the whole rest of the service and on into Sunday School. Jarrod wasn't there to keep me strong, so I just fell apart and couldn't put myself back together again (I'll be honest, I thought of Humpty Dumpty a couple times that day, lol).

After church I decided that being alone was a bad idea, so I went to have lunch with Jarrod (which was wonderful), then I went to hang out at my mom's again. I love being there because it is such an open, loving, accepting environment. I am blessed with probably THE best parents ever! Seriously.

Then came Monday and I still decided that maybe being alone wasn't the wisest thing I could ever do, so Colt and I crashed Kathy's house (sorry Matt, lol). It was wonderful. Just being able to spend the day with Kathy talking about whatever either one of us thought of at the time was great! :)

As I was at Kathy's, my doctor called.  I hadn't heard from her all week because she was on vacation. She told me that she spoke with 'Amy' at the LifeCenter (the place that they organize organ donations I guess) and that the director had been contacted about our situation. She said that it was a "Hot Topic" (the issue of anencephalic organ donation, that is). I have no idea why, but I hope, through lots of prayer and possibly persuasion on my part, they will give us an exception. I want to do this so badly! I have never swayed from that desire, not once. I just hope that we can jump through whatever ethical hoops there are to get us to our desired outcome, a gift of life to some other baby in need.

Well, I'm happy and thankful to say that I have come out of my weekend of valleys and as I sit here writing this, I'm feeling good. I'm expecting to hear from Dr. Von Hoene later today about what the director at the LifeCenter says, so I'm looking forward to some good news! I'm also thankful that my doctor will not take no for an answer! :) She's a fighter! I'm so thankful to have her on 'my team'!

Thank you for reading, I hope that your day is blessed in more ways than you can imagine! I know mine still are! :)