Friday, October 26, 2012

Gideon's gonna be a big brother!

What a wide range of emotions such an announcement has the potential to produce. I know for the first 10 days of knowing, I was overjoyed. I was an absolute ball of happiness!

A new baby!!! Finally!

From the MOMENT I took that positive test, even since before then, really since I had Gideon, I was praying for our next one. I was praying that our new baby's cells would divide and wrap and form and do everything they needed to do just right. Then when I finally confirmed that there WAS a baby in there forming, my prayers went into overdrive.

I so so badly want this baby to be happy and healthy and whole and be able to come home to us. (I think we have a pretty awesome little family that would LOVE a little person)

But at the same time as all of that, the statistics remain. If you have no history of anencephaly, your chances of a baby like Gideon are 1 in 1,000... If you already have a 'Gideon' of your own, your chances go to 3 in 100.... Pretty lousy...


I keep reminding myself that it's a lot easier to choose one of the 97 happy balls out of the bag versus one of the 3 sad ones. It's like my mantra these days. I just keep reminding myself of that. And not only that, but God is still good people. He still loves me, even though he saw it fit to give me an anencephalic baby. That was obviously the best thing for me at that time, for whatever reason.

And I truly think it was...

Not that I wouldn't have enjoyed my time with Gideon in our home, but Gideon made me appreciate Colt SOOO much more. I love my Coltboy so much. He is the cutest thing ever. He says the funniest things. And that laugh. I could live for days, just listening to him giggle. He's just awesome! :-) And I don't know if I would've thought that before Gideon, but I know that Gideon made me appreciate life SOO much more!

So.... After all that happiness, came yesterday. The day that I knew would come, I just didn't know when....

I went to Gideon's spot for the first time since I took that positive test.... and I cried and cried. I sobbed and begged and pleaded with God to allow me to bring home a happy, healthy, whole baby this time.

I trust God will give me what is right. :-)

And what if anencephaly is on my plate again? Well... As much as I'll hate that.....  I'll pray again, just as Jesus did in the garden: Matthew 26:39 "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."

There's nothing I can do about it. I can't change it. If this baby is gonna be anencephalic, he's anencephalic right now. I can't do anything otherwise. I just have to have faith that God knows what I need and He knows what is going to glorify His name to the utmost....

That. And that alone, brings me comfort.

Knowing that He's in control. Knowing that I've done absolutely all I can do. Knowing we are going to love Him regardless....

That's the most amazing comfort there ever was. :-)

Praise Jesus' name for Gideon & Colt & Baby McGinnis #3 :')

And then there were five...

Well.... As we all know, my consistency in my blog is less than stellar.

But.....the McGinnis family does have good news....

We are going from 4 to 5!! :-) And we... Are... STOKED!!!!! :-)

I was the happiest person on the planet at 5am on that Monday morning, Oct 15th. I had had a hunch for a couple days that maybe... Just maybe... There was some major cellular division going on in my lower abdomen. :-)

That Sunday night, I decided that I was going to take a test in the morning. I had taken one the previous Tuesday, Oct 9th and it had been negative. Granted I was 5 days early (and that was even one of those 'early testing thingys').... But I just had zero patience!

The month prior, whilst in the midst of my cycle, I had had a sorta major breakdown. I was sad about Gideon, and sad that everytime I went to the bathroom, it was a constant reminder that I was NOT pregnant... And that was really hard. I knew THE DAY I had Gideon that I wanted to be pregnant again, like, NOW! So, to not be was really hard for me. God was teaching me patience, reliance, and faith. Patience to give my body time to recoup, reliance on Him to do what was right for my family, & faith that He would provide whatever was right.

..... Then came Oct 15...... 

As I said, I had had a hunch that perhaps there was a chance.... I didn't have the 'normal' symptoms, other than just being really tired. But I did notice on September 28th, some weird discoloration on my toilet paper... I thought to myself that Friday, 'I don't ever remember having 'implantation bleeding' with Colt or Gideon, but I am on SERIOUS amounts of folic acid... that makes for a very fertile home for a baby to grow... So it would make sense that some of it may fluff off when implanting.... Hmmm....' *shrug*

And so my suspicion started...

THHEEEEN came Oct 15! LOL

That morning I couldn't sleep. Because remember, I knew on Sunday night that I was going to test in the morning. So it was 5am... WAAAYY before I would've gotten up. WAAAYY before Jarrod got up even. And I'm laying there. Awake. Squirming because I have to pee... I say to myself, 'Just do it Jenny! What's the worst that can happen? It come back negative? Well then, you're in the same place you are now, just go take it. Who cares.' So, I succumbed to the pressure of..... Myself. & got up.

I got the test out, took it, then immediately looked away. I didn't want to get my hopes up too too high. (Pssshhh yeah right! LOL)

Much to my surprise, after a couple minutes (that felt like years) passed, the two faintest lines came on the screen forming that all-too-coveted plus sign.

And there we were.... No longer 4, but now & forever a family of 5.