What a wide range of emotions such an announcement has the potential to produce. I know for the first 10 days of knowing, I was overjoyed. I was an absolute ball of happiness!
A new baby!!! Finally!
From the MOMENT I took that positive test, even since before then, really since I had Gideon, I was praying for our next one. I was praying that our new baby's cells would divide and wrap and form and do everything they needed to do just right. Then when I finally confirmed that there WAS a baby in there forming, my prayers went into overdrive.
I so so badly want this baby to be happy and healthy and whole and be able to come home to us. (I think we have a pretty awesome little family that would LOVE a little person)
But at the same time as all of that, the statistics remain. If you have no history of anencephaly, your chances of a baby like Gideon are 1 in 1,000... If you already have a 'Gideon' of your own, your chances go to 3 in 100.... Pretty lousy...
I keep reminding myself that it's a lot easier to choose one of the 97 happy balls out of the bag versus one of the 3 sad ones. It's like my mantra these days. I just keep reminding myself of that. And not only that, but God is still good people. He still loves me, even though he saw it fit to give me an anencephalic baby. That was obviously the best thing for me at that time, for whatever reason.
And I truly think it was...
Not that I wouldn't have enjoyed my time with Gideon in our home, but Gideon made me appreciate Colt SOOO much more. I love my Coltboy so much. He is the cutest thing ever. He says the funniest things. And that laugh. I could live for days, just listening to him giggle. He's just awesome! :-) And I don't know if I would've thought that before Gideon, but I know that Gideon made me appreciate life SOO much more!
So.... After all that happiness, came yesterday. The day that I knew would come, I just didn't know when....
I went to Gideon's spot for the first time since I took that positive test.... and I cried and cried. I sobbed and begged and pleaded with God to allow me to bring home a happy, healthy, whole baby this time.
I trust God will give me what is right. :-)
And what if anencephaly is on my plate again? Well... As much as I'll hate that..... I'll pray again, just as Jesus did in the garden: Matthew 26:39 "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."
There's nothing I can do about it. I can't change it. If this baby is gonna be anencephalic, he's anencephalic right now. I can't do anything otherwise. I just have to have faith that God knows what I need and He knows what is going to glorify His name to the utmost....
That. And that alone, brings me comfort.
Knowing that He's in control. Knowing that I've done absolutely all I can do. Knowing we are going to love Him regardless....
That's the most amazing comfort there ever was. :-)
Praise Jesus' name for Gideon & Colt & Baby McGinnis #3 :')