Monday, September 10, 2012

Numb or Normal?

Shortly after Gideon was born, maybe 2 weeks or so, I found myself feeling "numb."

A wise man told me, "Jenny, it's not 'numb,' it's normal. You have been in the midst of hyper emotions the last four months. Now that it's over, you're just going back to normal. It's not numb, it's normal."

He was right.

But is that always the case?

I have noticed what he said to be true. I don't find myself having 'moments' nearly as often. They're very rare actually.

That's what scares me.

Things have happened.... I visit "Gideon's Spot" at the cemetery... Nothing. No emotion..... I get a surprise gift in the mail (that is beautiful and I love and I wear every waking moment of every day)... but no tears then either. No tears, happy or sad.

Then I read a blog.

A blog about a sweet baby that grows closer and closer to my heart every day and I cry.

I wish I had the emotion of his mommy. I want to feel something for Gideon again. I don't want to be numb anymore.

I've been saying for at least a week, that I need to "have a moment." I've been irritable, I've been non-emotional (which is rare for me). I've been ... just... weird. I need to have a "moment." These "moments" are almost comforting to me. They are home. My emotional home. I know how to feel loved in the midst of the sad moments.

How do I feel loved in the normal moments?

How do I not feel like I'm betraying my beautiful son by not grieving for him?

I don't know.

There's so much about this process that I don't know. Everyone thinks I'm some great pro. NOT! I'm just as dumb as the next guy. It's such a crazy journey to walk. To know when you're doing it right and when you're pushing it aside. I still can't figure that part out.

I hope that I'm not stifling my emotions. I'm trying so hard.

But maybe it's time. Maybe it's time to be happy more than sad. I've really been that from Gideon's birthday. Only this past week has it started scaring me....

How can being happy be scary? I don't know, but it is.

Is this numb or normal?

I don't know...  Maybe a little of both.... But maybe... Just maybe... That's normal too.

Heavenly Father, please let that be normal too.

Heavenly Father, please give Gideon a kiss from me. Please tell Gideon that I loved him. There are times that I just want to talk to him, but I feel like that would dishonor you Lord. You are the only One worthy to be prayed to. But, will you please hug my boy for me. You know my heart Father. You know how much I love You. I thank You so much for the opportunity to carry Your precious baby, Gideon. Thank you for leading me to his beautiful name, Gideon Wayne. I just pray, Lord, that You would love on him for me. I just wanted him so bad. Really bad. I love You so much and I know that You have a plan for all this, and that I had to give my Gideon to You for a reason... Wait... My Gideon... No... Your Gideon... I know the plan for him was to be in Heaven with you all along, I just wanted him too. Please let him know that. And he probably already does, but my human little brain just needs to tell him. I don't know how to think like you God. You are so big. You are so awesome. You are so much more than I will ever be. I just don't know how to think like You..... Please forgive me for where I've fallen short of your plan for Gideon. Please forgive me for not talking about him more. I just feel like some people get uncomfortable hearing about "my dead baby." Help me not to allow this, your master plan, to fall through the cracks. Please allow Gideon's story to shine the way to You, Jesus. To Your saving grace. I love You and I love that You allowed me to carry the most beautiful baby ever to come to Your Heaven. Lead me down the path You had planned for Gideon's story and help me to follow it better.
In Jesus name, the One who died for my sins and for the sins of every person that has ever lived, whether it be for 45 minutes or 145 years, Lord. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.

Numb or Normal?

I'm gonna go with a little of both for right now. And be thankful in the midst of it all.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jenny! Sorry it's taken me a few days to get back to you. Going through so much right now. Ups and downs. Some days I feel like I am breaking. Like you some days I feel numb. I feel like the devotional helps me-A LOT. Just reading scripture is helping me. I got the devotional from the String of Pearls website in a box with other memory making items for when your baby is born. It's free, but they do take donations which is something Chris and I plan to do soon. The book is called The One Year Book of HOPE by Nancy Guthrie. I've loved it so far. It doesn't fix me by any means. I felt like Day One without Evan all over again yesterday. I have to realize that it's going to happen sometimes. I need to be more vocal in how I am feeling. Journaling helps and blogging helps. Praying definitely helps. I hope you are doing well, or the best you can. I understand. Hugs to you, dear friend.