A wise man told me, "Jenny, it's not 'numb,' it's normal. You have been in the midst of hyper emotions the last four months. Now that it's over, you're just going back to normal. It's not numb, it's normal."
He was right.
But is that always the case?
I have noticed what he said to be true. I don't find myself having 'moments' nearly as often. They're very rare actually.
That's what scares me.
Things have happened.... I visit "Gideon's Spot" at the cemetery... Nothing. No emotion..... I get a surprise gift in the mail (that is beautiful and I love and I wear every waking moment of every day)... but no tears then either. No tears, happy or sad.
Then I read a blog.
A blog about a sweet baby that grows closer and closer to my heart every day and I cry.
I wish I had the emotion of his mommy. I want to feel something for Gideon again. I don't want to be numb anymore.
I've been saying for at least a week, that I need to "have a moment." I've been irritable, I've been non-emotional (which is rare for me). I've been ... just... weird. I need to have a "moment." These "moments" are almost comforting to me. They are home. My emotional home. I know how to feel loved in the midst of the sad moments.
How do I feel loved in the normal moments?
How do I not feel like I'm betraying my beautiful son by not grieving for him?
I don't know.
There's so much about this process that I don't know. Everyone thinks I'm some great pro. NOT! I'm just as dumb as the next guy. It's such a crazy journey to walk. To know when you're doing it right and when you're pushing it aside. I still can't figure that part out.
I hope that I'm not stifling my emotions. I'm trying so hard.
But maybe it's time. Maybe it's time to be happy more than sad. I've really been that from Gideon's birthday. Only this past week has it started scaring me....
How can being happy be scary? I don't know, but it is.
Is this numb or normal?
I don't know... Maybe a little of both.... But maybe... Just maybe... That's normal too.
Heavenly Father, please let that be normal too.
Heavenly Father, please give Gideon a kiss from me. Please tell Gideon that I love
In Jesus name, the One who died for my sins and for the sins of every person that has ever lived, whether it be for 45 minutes or 145 years, Lord. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.
Numb or Normal?
I'm gonna go with a little of both for right now. And be thankful in the midst of it all.