Women of Faith

This weekend was Women of Faith and I got to go and the last second.

Ever since Gideon was diagnosed, I have thought about what this was all about. I think a big part of it is sharing the story. Sharing what God did for me through this journey. Sharing how He showed Himself faithful to me in my intense time of need. Sharing how if He can do it for me, He can certainly do it for you.

The next question is: How do I do that? How do I get Gideon's story out and glorify my Lord for it? Is it even possible? Many of you know that I'm in the (extreme) early stages of pursuing some sort of book (it's actuallly much harder than I anticipated). But, I've always thought that I would like to be a speaker at something like this. Maybe get the chance to be one of those ladies that gets to glorify God through the story He blessed me with. So I was excited to be there and get a taste of what it was like. But, I had to work, so I had to drive up late & separate (a huge drag).

So I got there and started looking through my program. I was reading the little 'blurb' they have on each one of the speakers and I thought, "I'm not like these women. These women actually live for the Lord all the time. They have other things to offer, other than their 'sob story,' that makes them good Christians. I'm not like that. I'd never be good enough to be here. What was I thinking?" But as I sit here and write that (and, honestly still believe some of it) I think to myself. "But wait... What did Mark Lowry say that night? Didn't God use a bunch of losers? Didn't he most often use the freaks? (Mark Lowry's words, not mine, lol)

Yes. Yes, he did... I know I'm not worthy (and never will be), but I do have a willing heart. I want to share God's love for us through Gideon's story. I want people to know that God can work like this in their hearts too. I want to do that on the largest stage possible! I want to tell as many people as will listen! And an arena of 5,000 (?) ladies sounds like a pretty large number and add that with all the cities they go to... Hey! This sounds like a great idea, I thought... BUT....I'm sure that a lot of people probably want the bright lights and prestige - so He probably wouldn't use me for that. I don't know... All I know is that I want to proclaim God's unconditional love. I want  to proclaim the truths of the Bible (Romans 8:28 is true, ya know... look it up). I want to proclaim His peace and comfort that He gave us so graciously.... These are the things I was thinking as I was looking through that program....

That whole night I was in a stupid 'funk'.... I was irritated, for no real reason... Just irritated (back me ladies, you know what that's like)... I went through the motions of the evening and finally, after talking to the girls in my room, realized what was going on...

I had been 'feeling a sad moment coming on' for a couple days (that's happening more and more all the time)... I don't get sad all at once anymore, it's like I can feel it 'coming on'... Kinda like a sneeze, only it takes longer. It's weird. But... Gideon's 2 month was tough for me this time. His birthday, as you all know, was peaceful, wonderful, just surprising.... Then his 1 month was still pretty celebratory. I remembered how awesome he was, and how many lives he had touched. Then came his due date, which was tough, once I realized what day it actually was (I'll probably "back-blog" about that someday. "Back-blog" is my own made up word, meaning things I wanted to blog about, but couldn't, since I didn't have home internet, until now). Then came August 2nd, the day before Women of Faith, his two month.... and it was different. I though about wanting him. Wanting to be his mommy. I was sad, but I had to work, so I had to put it off (which I HATE doing). So... I had been feeling this moment coming on since then. I just didn't want it to happen at WoF. I don't know why, I just didn't want to do it there. I like to cry alone, in the shower (one of the VERY few things I like to do alone)... But that wasn't the way it was going to happen this time.

One of the things that I want SO badly, is to 'be Gideon's mommy,' but I can't (in the way that I want to, I mean). I can't hold hime, I can't burp him, I can't kiss his sweet little head, I can't do all the things that "regular" mom's get to do with their newborns. Gideon doesn't need me. He doesn't need me at all. He has Jesus. Jesus Himself is taking care of my boy.

But as much as I love Jesus, myself (and I truly do). I still can't fathom how wonderful He is. I can't imagine that Gideon would want to be held by someone other than me. I mean. COME ON!! I'm his mommy! Who could take better care of him than me?! God? Even God Himself could do a more comforting job than me? Really?! Yes! It's true, but being so fleshly, I still don't know... All I know is I want my baby. I want to hold him, I want to kiss him, I want to make him feel better when he cries and burp him and change his little dirty butt and wash his black baby hair.  Those are the things I want. I want to watch him grow up and fall down and start talking. I just really want Gideon...

But..... aside from all of that, I have to realize.... I have to remember that song: God is so good. God is so good! God is so good! He's so good to me!!! He has Gideon and He is doing all those things for me. I'm trying to realize that my son is in Heaven. Truly in Heaven with Jesus. Jesus Christ Himself.... I'm trying to realize how perfect Heaven is, and how amazing God is. God is so much bigger and better than me (DUH!). He's so much more capable to take care of Gideon (I think to myself again, DUH! You big idiot!!!) But, he's still my boy and I still want him, and I want him to want me, his mommy.

All these things hit me so hard at Women of Faith and I was reminded (by someone that always helps me see things clearly when Jarrod's not around, or unavailable), "Gideon got to miss this horrible world. He got to go straight to be with Jesus!" Then, during Women of Faith (this post really is titled properly, even though I've been distracted horribly), the songs started hitting me. I mean, like a ton. of. bricks. The lyrics were just so beautiful (I should've gotten the CD). The praise and worship team was singing about God having the victory and running to His embrace, things like that. And it just overtook me. I realized that I had been thinking all along that I was the one for the job. But, clearly, this is untrue, or Gideon would be here. God wanted him for Himself. He wanted Gideon with Him. He wanted to do it. He wanted to relieve me of the job this time. For whatever reason. He brought me to that realization through song at Women of Faith. It was so great because it made me think of those things. I just felt God (almost literally) hugging me. I just felt like singing and praising His holy name. I just wanted to sing out about how awesome He is. And I did. :-) I stood up like a big goober-head, when everyone around me (or so I thought) was sitting. But I didn't care. I didn't care at all. I had to stand and praise Him while I cried and cried and cried.

So... Long story short... Women of Faith was good for me. Next year will be better because I will prepare myself more. But it was really really good. God is good and He loves me, despite how sad I am. He loves me despite my sin of thinking I was better. He still loves me. Romans 8:28 is still true somehow. And God (as always) is still good. He's watching out for us through our trials, whatever they may be, and is taking care of us.

I hope that God will bless your heart through Gideon's story. And Gideon's story will encourage you to love God more. I know that I never felt as close to God, EVER, as I did because of Gideon. Amazing.