So Thursday was my 3D/4D ultrasound that people (who are continuing to remain anonymous) bought for me as a gift.... I will admit, I was nervous at first. I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I have seen many pictures of anencephalic babies, and I have this perfect picture of what Gideon looks like and I didn't want that to be marred in any way. I wanted my imagination to still see him as perfect and normal and whole. So, to have a window inside myself and see him for what he is made me incredibly nervous.
I asked Kathy Rankin to go with me. She has really been a great filter for me for things like this. She has found pictures that she thought I would want to see, but has screened them for me prior to make sure that I wanted to (and could) deal with them. So I decided to take her with me in case it was going to be too much for me, because again, I didn't have a CLUE as to what to expect. It turned out being the most awesome girls day! I have had so many of those with my little sisters & love every second of them. But, this time was a little different... for me. You see, I see Kathy as the big sister I never had... & sitting there with her at lunch that day, talking about all the normal things that we always talk about, then talking about Gideon, too (of course) :-) was just wonderful. There was a time during lunch (at Chili's which was AMAZING!!) when I told her, "You know, I don't know what it's like to go to lunch with a big sister, but I'm pretty sure if I had to guess, this would be it!" :-) It was so fun! And she is just such a great friend! She's happy with me when I am happy, she's angry with me when I am angry, she cries with me when I am on the edge, she is just wonderful! She is seriously everything to me that I try to be to my little sisters! (Love you Kathy!!) :-)
So.... After lunch, we were driving the short distance to the office (with the help of Debbie, her handy dandy GPS thingy. LOL!!) and we both knew that the other one was a little bit nervous. So we get called back and I ask the lady (Missy, who turned out to be SOO sweet!) if she knew my story, and she said she knew about the anencephaly. (I was glad of that, I didn't want to have to explain it to her.) And Kathy and I started talking a little about our plan. You see, our original plan was for her to look at the screen and decide if she thought I would want to see... But once we got in the room, I knew that I was going to be looking at my boy no matter what. It wouldn't matter how good or bad it was, I was seeing my boy. He's precious and perfect and wonderfully made in God's eyes, and by-golly, he was gonna be perfect and wonderfully made in my eyes too! And Kathy agreed, there was no way, I was going to not look.
The scan starts.
She starts by looking at his heartbeat. She measures it and we listen to it (Strong, as usual.... Man I REALLY hope they will give that strong healthy heart to a baby that needs one!!). Then we see his legs and BOY are they long!!! Just like his big brother's! :-) And I ask her... Wouldn't it be neat if we could get a shot of his cute little butt cheeks? How cool that would be! :-) She tries hard, but Gideon is just NOT cooperating. He was moving and stretching and moving and dancing and just being crazy the whole time! Poor Missy had the hardest time, but I'll admit, it was fun to watch him squirm... It always is :-) So she kept looking at arms and legs and things and I told her... "I'm not afraid to see his head, I want to see him." Because I thought she was nervous about me seeing it too. But she just said she was getting some other things like she normally does... which ended up being fine. :-)
Then she found his precious, precious face. And man oh man does he ever look like Colt! I mean, it's like having a little miniature Colt inside there! It was amazing! He is the most beautiful baby I think there ever was (sorry Colt, lol). His little button nose and his little Colt mouth. All of it was just so precious... (keep it together Jenny, don't cry now, you're doing good! lol) ... She scanned and scanned and scanned for like 20+ minutes. I don't know how long my thing was supposed to go, but I probably could've just stayed on that table all day if she would've let me. :') It was the most amazing, precious, and wonderful blessing that I've had throughout this thing. To see my boy, to look at his face, his real face, what he really looks like, just warms my heart. And to have those pictures that I can look at any time I want, again... Priceless...
So... To those of you anonymous people out there that bought this for me. (I heard it was a group, but have no clue WHATSOEVER as to who the members are)..... Thank you. Thank you for giving me the gift of seeing my sweet, precious, amazingly adorable boy. And the ability to pop that DVD in whenever I want and watch him dance. And to look at his pictures whenever I want. You have no idea what that means to me. Yes, I was nervous at first. Very nervous... But I had no clue the blessing it would be to my heart. I had no idea the "warm-fuzzies" I would have for days and days after that. I hope you can hear the sincerity that I'm trying to pour out of my heart when I say, "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!" There are not words to express how much that ended up meaning to me! And I didn't even expect it, which makes it so much better! I don't know who you are (although I would like to)... but I love you! I love you for thinking of me so much and for donating whatever amount it was to give me such an incredibly amazing gift. You are amazing people and I pray that God would bless you a 1,000,000,000+ fold for what you did for me. Thank you.
And so began my current "Happy Day Streak." Praise the Lord I am on Happy Day #5 and am just incredibly peaceful, blessed, happy, and feeling so loved. I hope that everyone out there can feel as loved and happy as God has allowed me to feel right now.
God Bless You All!
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