Like a ton of bricks...

I haven't often been bombarded with unexpected emotion through this whole thing... I mean, I've been bombarded with emotion, but not with something that I hadn't either been told to expect or had thought of before hand. Wednesday night at church was my first experience with said bombardment.

The preaching part of the service was over and our prayer sheets were being passed out. I had been fine throughout the whole service but towards the end, I had begun to notice some serious heartburn. I had had a lot of terrible heartburn with Colt, so this should have come at no surprise. But, for whatever reason, this heartburn with Gideon just brought my whole world to a halt.

In that moment, I realized something... Normally, when you have a negative pregnancy symptom, a part of you tries to explain it away because you get the prize at the end: a beautiful, precious, baby.  Then I realized... I don't have that... This was the first time I noticed that I didn't have anything to help talk myself out of those hard pregnancy symptoms.

As we were sitting waiting for our prayer sheet, Preacher began asking for requests. Someone spoke up and asked for an unspoken requests and I thought to myself, "Man! I have an unspoken request! To be rid of this stinkin' heartburn!" So I raised my hand and said, "Unspoken, also." Once I said those words, I just couldn't hold myself together.

I was so sad. I was sad about Gideon (of course). I was sad that I had to go through all this. I was sad about everything. I was almost just plain mad. I hate it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to go through this. I pray (nearly everyday) what Jesus prayed in the garden, "...O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." Matthew 26:39. That verse says everything that I want to say: "God: I don't want to do this. But at the same time, I know that you have a plan, and I want to be a part of Your plan, and I will do it if it will accomplish something that will glorify You." I am so thankful that Jesus saw it fit to pray that way, because it's perfect for me and Gideon.

I was thinking about all those things in the midst of my saddness and my saddness didn't end just because the service did. I knew most everyone was done (you know that awkward moment when you know everyone's done praying, but you're not and you don't want to be done yet, but you also don't want to be the only one still not done? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, come on! lol). But I wasn't done yet and in that moment, I didn't care. I was a crying mess and I just wanted to pray. I wanted help, comfort and peace, and I knew there was only one place I could get it, so I didn't care. I kept praying. In that moment, one of the sweetest, most wonderful ladies in our church came and sat with me. She didn't say a word. Actually, I think she may have said something like, "There are no words, other than, I love you and I'm praying for you." She just sat with me. She hugged me when I needed a hug, she was just with me. And I am eternally grateful for her wisdom in this whole thing. She has been wonderful!

That night hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea how hard I would get hit by a negative pregnancy symptom. I have had tons of heartburn since then and got some great advice from the great preacher, Jeremy Stout. He said, "Jenny, just talk to Gideon in those moments.... Tell him, 'Gideon, when I get to Heaven, you are going to answer for all this heartburn you've been putting me through!' Just tell him everything you would tell Colt if he got in trouble." What great advice! :) So....

Gideon,
Since Wednesday I have had terrible heartburn almost every night. I have had to build myself a little pillow mountain to sleep on, and Tums are my new candy of choice. I will be having a stern talk with you when I see you in Heaven pal! But... even though you are making me somewhat miserable in the night, I can't help but love you to pieces! You are wonderful and I love you with all my heart little guy! You will always be Colt's best little brother, because you'll be the only one that's perfect, being in Heaven and all. :-) I love you!
Love, Mommy